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I must confess something that may surprise you: the best small group leaders I know are not the ones who have all the answers. Rather, they’re the ones who have mastered the art of asking the right questions.
This is not merely a clever pedagogical technique, mind you. It’s fundamentally how Jesus operated. If you comb through the Gospels—and I recommend you do—you’ll find that our Lord asked over three hundred questions. He could have simply told people what to think. Instead, he invited them to discover truth for themselves through careful inquiry. There’s something profoundly respectful about that approach, isn’t there? It treats the other person as a thinking being rather than an empty vessel waiting to be filled.
So how might we, as mere lay leaders without seminary degrees or professional credentials, follow this pattern in our small groups? Let me propose a framework that’s both practical enough for immediate use and flexible enough to adapt to various situations.
The Fundamental Shift: From Information to Transformation
Before we discuss specific questions, we must understand why questions work in the first place. Most of us instinctively believe that spiritual growth happens through information transfer—that if we could just explain the doctrine clearly enough, teach the Bible thoroughly enough, or provide the right answers quickly enough, people would grow. But research from organizations like Barna Group and Lifeway (as well as two thousand years of church history) suggests otherwise.
Transformation happens through relationship, not information alone. This is why the Triad approach—small groups of three to four people meeting regularly—has shown such remarkable results. When you remove the pressure of a single expert, something marvelous occurs: peer mentoring emerges. As Proverbs reminds us, “plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” The beauty of asking questions in a small group is that you’re not claiming to have all the wisdom yourself. You’re acknowledging that the Spirit works through multiple voices.
A Framework for Growth-Revealing Questions
Now, let’s be practical. Here’s a framework organized around six essential areas of discipleship. These aren’t questions you must ask in every meeting—that would be dreadfully mechanical—but categories you should touch on regularly to help people identify their next steps.
1. Bible and Prayer: The Foundation
Start here: “What are you reading in the Bible, and how is it challenging you to grow?”
Notice the structure of this question. It doesn’t ask if they’re reading the Bible (which invites a simple yes or no and potential guilt). It assumes they are and moves directly to the more interesting question: how is it affecting them? This is what I call a “baby step deeper” approach. You’re going beneath the surface without being heavy-handed about it.
Follow it with: “What have you been praying about, and how is God working in your life through prayer?”
Again, the question is open-ended. It invites storytelling rather than performance. Someone might answer that they’re in a desert season, which is valuable information. Another might describe a breakthrough, which encourages the whole group. The point is not to shame anyone for insufficient prayer but to help each person articulate how Scripture and prayer are actually shaping their lives.
A simpler version for weekly accountability is: “How has your time in the Word been this week?” This is less threatening but still keeps Bible engagement on the radar.
2. Milestones: Clarifying Commitment
These questions help you understand where someone stands in their journey: “When did you get baptized? If not, what feels challenging about pursuing it?”
I know, I know—this feels intrusive if you ask it clumsily. But here’s the thing: many people have never been asked directly, and they’re harboring fears or misunderstandings that a simple conversation could resolve. The same applies to church membership: “Have you taken the step of becoming a member? What questions do you have about that?”
The follow-up question—”what feels challenging” or “what questions do you have”—is crucial. It prevents the question from sounding like an accusation and instead positions you as someone ready to help them think it through.
3. Gifts and Service: Moving from Spectator to Participant
“What are your spiritual gifts, and how are you using them to serve others?”
This question often produces blank stares the first time you ask it, which tells you something important: this person hasn’t yet thought about themselves as a contributor. That’s valuable information. Your next step might be to help them discover their gifts—perhaps through a gifts assessment or simply by pointing out things you’ve observed in them.
The beautiful thing about this question is that it moves people from the sidelines into the game. Christianity is not a spectator sport, though many treat it as such. When someone begins using their gifts to serve, spiritual growth often accelerates dramatically.
4. Evangelism: Normalizing Gospel Conversations
“Who are you sharing your faith with, and what’s the biggest challenge you face?”
Let me be honest: this question makes people uncomfortable. Good. We should be slightly uncomfortable about the Great Commission. But notice again the structure—it doesn’t ask if they’re sharing their faith (guilt-inducing) but who they’re sharing with (assumptive). The second part—”what’s the biggest challenge”—gives them permission to admit struggle rather than pretend everything is fine.
An alternative version: “Who has the Lord placed in your life to share the Gospel with this week?” This helps people start identifying specific individuals rather than thinking about evangelism as an abstract duty.
5. Stewardship: Where Your Treasure Is
“How are you financially giving and investing in the church?”
Now we’ve really done it, haven’t we? We’ve ventured into the one topic more taboo than evangelism. But Jesus talked about money constantly because, as he noted, “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Our bank statements truly do reflect our values.
This question need not be invasive about specific amounts. You’re simply asking people to reflect on whether their financial life aligns with their stated faith. For many, this will be the uncomfortable next step they’ve been avoiding.
6. The Meta-Question: Personal Next Steps
Finally, end your meetings with this: “What’s your spiritual next step?”
This is beautifully simple. It doesn’t prescribe what their next step should be. It doesn’t compare them to others. It simply asks them to name one concrete action they sense God calling them toward—whether that’s serving, evangelism, deeper study, reconciling a relationship, or something else entirely.
The power of this question is that it requires personal ownership. They must think about their own growth and articulate it. You’re not telling them what to do; you’re helping them discover what God is already inviting them into.
The Art of Asking: Technique Matters
Now, having the right questions is only half the battle. How you ask them matters enormously. Let me suggest several principles:
First, avoid yes/no questions whenever possible. Instead of “Have you been reading your Bible?” ask “What stood out to you in Scripture this week?” The first invites guilt and defensiveness. The second invites reflection and sharing.
Second, practice what I call “the gracious follow-up.” When someone gives a surface answer, don’t accept it and move on. Ask “Tell me more about that” or “What was that like for you?” The second and third questions get beneath the surface to where actual growth happens.
Third, resist the urge to fix immediately. This is terribly difficult for those of us who see ourselves as helpers. When someone shares a struggle, our instinct is to jump in with solutions. But often what people need is to be heard and to process their own thoughts aloud. Ask “What do you think God might be teaching you through this?” before offering your wisdom.
Fourth, frame correction as inquiry rather than condemnation. If someone shares a view that seems biblically questionable, don’t flatly tell them they’re wrong. Instead, ask “What do you think Paul would say about that?” or “Can anyone find a passage that addresses this?” This keeps people engaged rather than driving them away.
Fifth, model what you want to see. Share your own struggles and desert seasons before expecting vulnerability from others. If you present yourself as having it all together, others will feel they must do the same. But if you admit “I’ve been in a dry spell with prayer lately,” others will feel permission to be honest as well.
The GROW Model: A Simple Coaching Framework
For those moments when you’re having a one-on-one conversation about someone’s spiritual development, let me suggest the GROW model. It’s borrowed from executive coaching but works beautifully for discipleship:
Goal: Where do you want to be spiritually? (Help them articulate a specific aim)
Reality: Where are you now? On a scale of 1-10? (Get honest about current state)
Options: What could be your first step? What has worked before? (Brainstorm without judging)
Will: What will you do? When? How can I support you? (Create accountability)
The genius of this framework is that it puts responsibility on the person being discipled rather than on you as the leader. Any growing believer can learn to ask these four types of questions. You don’t need expertise; you just need to care enough to ask and listen carefully to the answers.
Handling Mixed Maturity Levels
You might object: “But my group has brand new believers and mature Christians. Won’t these questions alienate one group or the other?”
Actually, no. Here’s a delightful paradox: mixed-maturity groups work remarkably well when you use good questions. The key is what I call “multi-purposed questions” that allow engagement at different levels.
For example, when discussing a Scripture passage, use the Head-Heart-Hands progression:
- Head: “What does this passage say?” (Accessible to everyone; pure comprehension)
- Heart: “What does this mean for our struggles?” (Draws on experience)
- Hands: “How would you use this to help someone else?” (Challenges mature believers to think about application and teaching)
Everyone can contribute at their level while learning from others’ perspectives. The new believer hears how a mature Christian applies Scripture practically. The mature believer is reminded of foundational truths they may have forgotten. It’s rather like a family meal where both children and adults are fed, though they may eat different portions of the same food.
Creating the Right Environment
Questions only work in an atmosphere of trust. A few practical notes:
Ensure your meeting space allows for honest sharing without interruption or eavesdropping. Emphasize confidentiality rigorously: what’s shared in the group stays in the group. This isn’t optional; it’s foundational.
Practice active listening by taking physical notes when members speak. This demonstrates that you value their input and models the kind of attention you want everyone to give each other.
Use the 80/20 rule: the person being discipled should talk 80% of the time, you only 20%. Most of us do this backwards. We talk too much because silence makes us uncomfortable. Learn to sit with silence. Often the most profound insights emerge after you’ve resisted the urge to fill the quiet with your own words.
The Ultimate Question: Moving from Spiritual Children to Parents
Let me close with an observation about maturity stages. Drawing from 1 John 2:12-14, we can identify different levels of spiritual development:
Spiritual children know their sins are forgiven but are characterized by ignorance. They need patient explanation, safe space for “dumb” questions, and individual attention.
Spiritual young adults are strong in the Word and winning battles against sin, but they haven’t yet thought about reproducing themselves spiritually.
Spiritual parents have deep knowledge of God and are actively training others.
The revealing question that identifies which stage someone is in? “Who are you investing in spiritually?”
Spiritual children will look confused—they’re still being invested in themselves. Young adults will often be surprised—they haven’t considered it yet. But spiritual parents will immediately start talking about the people they’re discipling because reproduction is already on their minds.
This question, by the way, isn’t meant to shame anyone. It’s diagnostic. Once you know where someone is, you can better identify their next step. A spiritual child needs basics and encouragement. A young adult needs to be challenged to start thinking about others. A parent needs a co-laborer relationship where you’re partners in ministry rather than teacher-student.
You Are A Fellow Pilgrim, Journeying Together Through A Strange Land
Here’s what I want you to remember: You don’t need to be an expert to ask these questions. You simply need to have “made the trip” slightly ahead of the person you’re walking with. The most effective discipleship happens not when a guru dispenses wisdom to followers, but when fellow travelers share the journey together, asking questions that help each person discover what God is already doing in their life.
So start small. Pick one category of questions from this framework and use it in your next meeting. Ask with genuine curiosity, listen with real attention, and resist the urge to tie everything up neatly with your own wisdom. You may be surprised to discover that the Spirit has been waiting for someone to simply ask the right question so He could bring things to the surface that were already bubbling underneath.
After all, isn’t that how the Master taught? Not by filling heads with information, but by asking questions that helped people discover truth for themselves. If we would be like Him, perhaps we ought to follow His methods.
Now then—what question might you ask this week?
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